Glengarry Glen Ross Alec Baldwin Speech, but Affiliate Marketing

The following is based on the infamous Alec Baldwin speech from the classic film Glengarry Glen Ross. There are so many of these types of people on Twitter talking about affiliate marketing, I thought it’d be funny to adapt the script.

If you think this is funny, you’ll probably like our Stupid Marketing Tweets podcast.

[Blake] Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about bitching about that tweet you dropped, some son of a bitch that doesn't want to retweet, somebody that doesn't want to follow you, some influencer who won’t respond to your DMs and so forth. Let's talk about something important. Are they all here?

[Williamson] All but one.

[Blake] Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important! (to Levene) Put that coffee down! Coffee's for 100K+ accounts only. (Levene scoffs) Do you think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from the Valley. I'm here from Dorsey and Zuck’s. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Levene?

[Levene] Yeah.

[Blake] You call yourself a social media expert, you son of a bitch?

[Moss] I don't have to listen to this shit.

[Blake] You certainly don't pal. Cause the good news is — you're cancelled. The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one week to increase that follower count, starting tonight. Starting with tonight's sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. Cause we're adding a little something to this month's sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Tesla Model 3. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize is $150 in Google Adwords. Third prize is you're fired. You get the picture? You're laughing now? You got leads. Jack and Zuck paid good money. Get their names to convert them! You can't convert the leads you're given, you can't convert shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it cause you are going out!

[Levene] The leads are weak.

“The leads are weak,” says Levene.

[Blake] "The leads are weak." Fucking leads are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business 15 years.

[Moss] What's your name?

[Blake] Fuck you, that's my name! You know why, Mister? Cause you drove a OnePlus 3T to get here tonight, I drove an iPhone 13 Pro Max with 1TB and a jailbroken solid gold Apple Watch Edition. That's my name! (to Levene) And your name is "you're wanting." And you can't play in a man's game. You can't close them. (at a near whisper) And you go home and simp to your wife with your troubles. (to everyone again) Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to click on the link which is cookie’d! You hear me, you fuckers?

(Blake flips over a blackboard which has two sets of letters on it: ABAM, and AICC.)

[Blake] A-B-A-M. A-always, B-be, A-affiliate, M-marketing. Always be affiliate marketing! Always be affiliate marketing!! A-I-C-C. Attention, interest, cookie, couch. Attention — do I have your attention? Interest—are you interested? I know you are because it's fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks! Cookie — have you cookie’d that click for Christ?!! Couch — do it all from your couch. A-I-C-C; get out there!! You got the prospects comin' in; you think they came in to get out of their feed? Guy doesn't click on the link unless he wants to get cookie’d. Scrolling out there waiting to give you their money! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? (to Moss) What's the problem pal? You. Moss.

[Moss] You're such a hero, you're so rich. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?

(Blake sits and takes off his Apple Watch Edition watch)

“You see this watch? You see this watch?” says Blake.

[Blake] You see this watch? You see this watch?

[Moss] Yeah.

[Blake] That watch cost more than your car. I made $970,000 last month with affiliate marketing. How much you make? You see, pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you — go home and play with your kids!! (to everyone) You wanna work here? Close!! (to Aaronow) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this—how can you take the abuse you get on your analytics dashboard?! You don't like it — leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, make myself fifteen thousand dollars! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-I-C-C!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to sell online courses?

(He pulls something out of his briefcase)

“It takes brass balls to sell online courses,” suggests Blake.

[Blake] It takes brass balls to sell online courses.

Go and do likewise, gents. The money's out there, you pick it up, it's yours. You don't — I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go sit out on the couch tonight and close, close, it's yours. If not you're going to be managing my Hootsuite. Bunch of losers sitting around in a Live Space. (in a mocking weak voice) "Oh yeah, I used to be an affiliate marketer, it's a tough racket." (he takes out a red index card with a QR code from his briefcase) These are the new leads. These are the GatesBuffett leads. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. (he hands the stack to Williamson) They're for closers.

I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. (to Moss as he puts on his watch again) And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Dorsey and Zuck asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.

Don’t forget to check out our Stupid Marketing Tweets podcast.