There’s, like, so much data

The amount of data out there is exploding. It’s, like, effing huge. Sometimes I think we can’t even understand how much data there is. It’s like companies and organizations are just producing and consuming and ingesting data in pipelines and warehouses and data lakes and even lakehouses. It’s unreal.

Gartner reports there will be “enough data to choke a horse” by the year 2039. Their latest report, “Whoa, man, there’s, like, a lot of effing data out there 2023 edition” says:

Gartner predicts companies will be practically drowning in data by 2027. We predict $4.5T in data growth at 9 zettabytes per year. We’re not even sure those are real things, but we’re predicting it anyway.

You should listen to the Gartner folks, folks. They’re pretty smart.

Like, how much data?

Data scientists estimate there’s at least “total freaking a$$loads” of data being produced every day. Some of it is useful. The non-useful data is where the problems are.

Ever-increasing quantities of useless data are finding their way into the lives of people who don’t know anything about data. It’s starting to leak through the grout in their tile and out of their light fixtures. The number of datas per second is surpassing the numbers of McDonalds burgers.

I just realized something. You might not even know what data is. Let me take a step back.

Cloud computing

But, what is data?

Okay, so, you’ve probably heard of data by now. But just in case you haven’t, let me tell you. It's this thing that's, like, taking over the world. It's like, everywhere you look, there's data this and data that. I mean, data is basically just a bunch of numbers and words. It’s okay if you don’t understand. It’s very confusing.

And then there's big data. It's like data, but bigger. Way bigger. It's so big, it's like a mountain of information that you have to climb just to get a glimpse of what's at the top. It's like, why is there so much data in the world? If only I could touch and smell and eat data.

Useless data is just data that didn’t need to be collected, but the data overlords didn’t know that at the time. But they built this database thing that is shaped like the data they want to keep, so they just keep collecting it. It’s like building a drawer in your kitchen with fork-shaped holes. You gotta collect forks cuz you got the holes. Know what I mean?

Who does the controlling of all the data that explodes?

Apparently, there are these people who can do something with all this data. I don't know who they are or what they do, but apparently they can turn all this meaningless data into something useful. It's like they have some sort of magic wand or something. I mean, I don't know how they do it, but apparently they can make sense of all this data.

They call themselves “data scientists.” That’s a bit of a stretch. They have no laboratories. They don’t really do any proper experiments. It’s just a bunch of people with laptops and computers in clouds. Not a single labcoat in sight.

And then there's Gartner. They're like the prophets of the data world, predicting all sorts of crazy things about how much data there will be in the future. It's like they have a crystal ball or something. I mean, who knows if their predictions will even come true, but we should probably listen to them anyway.

This is what data looks like when it explodes.

But why is the data exploding?

Why is data exploding, you ask? Well, let me tell you, it's because data is quite literally exploding. It's like, boom! All of a sudden, there's data everywhere, and no one knows how to deal with it.

I mean, think about it. Data is just sitting there, all calm and collected, and then it's like, "I can't take it anymore!" And then bam! It explodes into a million tiny pieces, scattering information all over the place.

And you know what the worst part is? No one saw it coming. It's like data just decided to go off like a bomb, and there was nothing we could do to stop it.

Now, we're left with all these tiny fragments of data floating around, and no one knows how to put them back together. It's like trying to put together a puzzle, but you've lost half the pieces.

But hey, maybe this is all for the best. Maybe all these little pieces of data will lead to new insights and discoveries. Maybe we'll finally be able to answer some of life's biggest questions with all this scattered data.

Actual man getting exploded by data (NSFW)

Or maybe, just maybe, we should all take a step back and realize that data explosions are a serious problem, and we need to find a way to prevent them from happening in the future. I mean, who knows what could happen if data explodes again? We could be looking at a data apocalypse.

Conclusions about data

In conclusion, data is everywhere and it's taking over the world. It's big and confusing and mostly useless, but apparently there are people out there who can make sense of it all. And then there's Gartner, who's predicting all sorts of things about the future of data. I don't know, it's all just a lot to take in.

If you’d like me to write about data for your organization, I’m not sure that’s a good idea. But I do it anyway and people pay me a lot of money to do it. I guess the industry still doesn’t know any better.

I learned in a movie a long time ago that I should carpe diem and seize the data. So, I’m doing that, but instead of seizing data, I’m seizing money. It’s from clients. Like you.